Life is what happens to you when you’re busy making other plans

June 1st, 2020 by Kat Kingsley-Hughes

Yup once again married life went tits awry. A lot of taking stock has been happening here. And a lot of plunging forward into this next part of my life, embracing the great unknown, and generally discovering who the hell I am now that I am neither wife nor mother.

So many people told me to follow my dreams but it wasn’t long before I realised how hollow my dreams were. They lacked substance. I had absolutely no idea what I wanted. Or even how a person knows what they want.

Meditating felt like it only offered me words about desire rather than feelings. And words are flimsy and changeable and I often find that writing down dreams and desires feel hollow and flat when I came back to them. To be honest, it all felt a bit hopeless – if memory couldn’t preserve the motivation and written words left it feeling meaningless. I went into a downward spiral. How was I to find my way in this new solo life without a reliable way to stay on track? At a time when menopause was robbing both my sense of memory and clarity, things felt very bleak.

I got pretty down in all honesty. And in many ways that was exactly where I needed to be. I needed to grieve the losses. I had to turn and face the feelings before I could move on. And that’s hard to do. Especially alone.

But I found some great teachers and made new friends. My supervisor helped me work with staying with the difficult feelings and my gestalt therapist helped me work through them. My mentor taught me how to process emotions and how to really squeeze the juice out of living. I travelled all over learning from new people and finding myself welcomed into new communities. It was exhausting but invigorating.

And gradually my sense of desire began to appear. That lifting feeling in my heartspace became my polestar. So much less focus on what I didn’t want and dedication to following this star where it led me. There was always so much more to this person than I’d been able to express. Parts work helped me to work with my configurations and younger time capsules. I was finding I could do things I had never dreamed of and any resistance I felt was just like a signpost telling me what I had to work on next. It was like waking up from a coma – I was finally living!

Rounding out a difficult year in Istanbul was thrilling. And so here I am at the start of 2020 wondering what comes next.

Well we all know what came next. Lockdown. Plunged back into isolation and living through my computer screen. Again. Wasn’t I just here? Didn’t I just bust out of this place? Well at least I know what to do. And at least this time it feels like the world has come to join me!

We are all in it together. Stay safe!

This entry was posted on Monday, June 1st, 2020 at 4:36 pm and is filed under Flotsam. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

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